Sometimes it can feel as if children are the boss and we parents dance to their tune.

How does it come about that some children seem to have so much power over their parents?

The problem is that we do not always know how important a part of our job it is, as a parent, to be containing of our children ie. to hear and hold their feelings at the same time as setting limits on their behaviour.  Or if we do know, we forget when we are not feeling strong or when we are preoccupied by all the other jobs we have to do at the same time.

We often hand over power without being aware of it.

We tend to use approaches, words, phrases that are interpreted by children as being vague and not really meaning what we want them to. We often forget that children are very astute observers and can read us like a book. We give them lots of information about our frame of mind – by our tone of voice and body language. Children quickly learn whom they can string along and whom they cannot. They would never dream of doing it to your friends – but they have no problem doing it to you.

What factors can lead parents to lose control over their children?

Gregory Bodenhamer’s book “Back in Control” looks at what children notice about us, that leads parents to lose control over their children, for example:

• by using guilt to get cooperation ….e.g. “Look what you are doing to me”.
• By using cliches like …”shape up” … “try harder” … “get that chip off your shoulder”
• By using favours and requests … e.g. “If you don’t mind I would like you to”
• By using pleading … e.g. “please just this once won’t you..”
• By constantly pointing out how impossible they are …
• By getting involved in arguments and debates
• By arguing with your partner in front of the child/ren about how to handle a situation

Instead, we need to look at these three important issues:

BOUNDARIES ARE CRUCIAL

The importance of clear boundaries is crucial. A few firm non-negotiable rules, and to allow some negotiation on less important concerns.

Children soon discover when you have stood firm on one important issue and that you mean business. They become a lot more cooperative and respectful when they have experienced you being unimpressed with their attempts to distract you.  Wearing a set belt  is a useful example of a non-negotiable limit set.

HOW TO SET LIMITS / BOUNDARIES

As parents we need to understand and know the difference between:
1. the main event …   what you want your child to do .. and
2. the side show ..  … a child’s natural reaction to frustration at not being able to do what he/she wants to and his attempts to distract you

Parents who are back in charge need to be able to deal with being disapproved of and not being loved all the time. It helps to know the difference between getting a child to do something and getting him/her to like what has to be done.

Children are adept at getting us involved in arguments and debates. We get so intent on fixing their attitude, that often the job never gets done or we end up doing it ourselves – feeling resentful in the process. It becomes much easier to “weather the storm” when you tell yourself that children will not readily want to bath, or leave the party, settle down to homework etc.

Take comfort – there is a remarkably consistent pattern of responses from children when they are frustrated. They have “side shows” of sulking, stamping feet, procrastinating, saying they don’t love you or worse still, that they hate you. They threaten to leave home, accuse you of always picking on them. I could fill up the page with the creative responses that children make. The “side shows” pass. When they have no audience or fuel from us children get the message that you are serious about the situation because you have been totally focussed.

CONTAINMENT and CARRYING THROUGH

This requires us to stop and think so that we can
act rather than react. We need to decide at each point :
• Is it non-negotiable? or -
• Is it open to negotiation

If we have decided that our full concentration is needed – we can “weather” the grumbles while insisting that the job be done. Refusing to be drawn into arguments and debates by responding with a firm, short reply – will strengthen your position and send a clear message that you mean what you say.

When we use some of these ideas in conjunction with showing affection and appreciation and spending time together we will go a long way to creating a more secure, cooperative and harmonious atmosphere in the family.

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This page is brought to you by The Parent Centre, a non profit organisation whose mission is to promote the well-being and self-esteem of the whole child, parent and caregiver in order to prevent child abuse, victimisation and neglect and encourage the establishment of a loving, nurturing familial environment that strengthens the family and society.

By promoting positive parenting, The Parent Centre enables parents, guardians, caregivers and teachers to facilitate the healthy emotional development of the child and enhance the child’s capacity to be resilient, caring, competent & creative members of society.

If you have any questions about parenting, feel free to ask The Parent Centre and they will assist you as best they can.