By definition, children of separated parents experience ‘separate’ parenting, as distinct from ‘together’ parenting.

Together parenting is where the adults are in a relationship that commits to the children in their care.  Once parents separate, the reality is that the child will be in the care of one or other parent at any one time. The child is required to make this adjustment from together parenting to separate parenting. It is the most immediate (and long-lasting) change that the child-of-divorce experiences. When parents understand that this is central to the change the child will experience, they are in a better position to make separate parenting work with the minimum cost to the child.

A child thrives where there is cooperation between the parents (not necessarily consensus on every issue but a tolerance that allows one parent or the other to take charge at any one time with the support of the other parent conveyed either verbally or non-verbally).

At best, the child will experience separate parenting as enriching, but at the very least the child needs it to be conflict-free.  Separate parenting usually comes to pass when parents are unable to take care of their children at the same time because of unresolved conflict. In these instances, we support the parents’ decision to parent separately because we believe that ongoing, unresolved conflict is detrimental, if not downright destructive, to the development of the child.

A parent often come to us puzzled by the fact that they have moved on since the divorce and made a new life for themselves, but the child seems unable to do the same. The child/teen may have become symptomatic including depression, eating disorders, self mutilation, school drop outs, drugs and so on. When this is the case, it is not uncommon to find that the child is still caught up in conflict that caused the divorce in the first place - however long ago.

Continuous conflict between parents, despite separate parenting and in fact often about separate parenting, is an intolerable burden that distorts the childhood of many children and hinders their development by taking their energies away from their developmental tasks. In these cases the divorce has not achieved a release from conflict for the child.

Protection of the child-of-divorce from continuous conflict requires an understanding and an acknowledgement that;

1.Parents of the child-of-divorce are required to parent one at a time

2.Continuous conflict between parents is detrimental to the development of the child

3.It is the responsibility of both parents to protect the child from continuous conflict

4.Parents must be assisted by the professionals they approach, therapeutic and legal, to protect the child from continuous conflict

Our guiding star as parents is to know that there is no task more important than to protect the child in our care, and to contain and encourage the child in such a way that the child grows into a protective adult in his/her turn.

A protective adult does not hurt the child, nor frighten the child, nor put the child down, nor expect the child to carry the burden of the emotional needs of the adult.

A protective adult does not hurt a parent of the child, nor frighten the parent of the child, nor put the parent of the child down nor expect the parent of the child to carry the burden of the emotional needs of other adults.

A protective adult displays empathy for the emotions of the child at the same time as setting limits on the child’s behaviour. Children who are frightened into compliance, and children who are given into, remain unprotected.

A protective adult sets clear limits and carries through without hurting, threatening or frightening the child.

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This page is brought to you by The Parent Centre, a non profit organisation whose mission is to promote the well-being and self-esteem of the whole child, parent and caregiver in order to prevent child abuse, victimisation and neglect and encourage the establishment of a loving, nurturing familial environment that strengthens the family and society.

By promoting positive parenting, The Parent Centre enables parents, guardians, caregivers and teachers to facilitate the healthy emotional development of the child and enhance the child’s capacity to be resilient, caring, competent & creative members of society.

If you have any questions about parenting, feel free to ask The Parent Centre and they will assist you as best they can.